Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I thought I was being chased by a werewolf but turns out it was just my cousin Tony from jersey
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
My mum stayed with us recently and couldn’t help but advise me on certain things, being my mum.
Just like a sulky teenager I responded “Mum, I’m 53.”
[Mother’s Day text to my wife]
Don’t let the kids know I sent this but do you know where we keep the powdered sugar and band-aids?
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.