Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
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Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
uh-oh. Bad news for Trump
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Cute guy: I like that you just say what’s on your mind
Me: Why do you think Ginger was the only band member named after an actual spice?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
toddler parkour is trying to find the slowest and most elaborate route to get anywhere
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗