Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Breaking news:
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
I like how whispering makes everything sound sexier.. unless you’re saying something like “Can you pass the last slice of pizza” cause the answer is “no, it’s mine”
*Seductively hides in the woods
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about