Eating wings is the opposite of flying
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God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count downloading gardening shows illegally.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Freddie Mercury, Venus Williams, and Bruno Mars walk into a bar.
They didn’t planet that way.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.