Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You Might Also Like
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
This cop is parked illegally behind me with his lights on, I’m going to say something.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
ONE NIGHT STAND, really?? Please. What kind of girl you think I am? Like, no thanks babe, I need my bedroom furniture symmetrical.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Them: if you could be any animal wha-
Me: rotisserie chicken
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
Imma just leave this here…………
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]