Eating wings is the opposite of flying
You Might Also Like
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
how…. how do u get sold out… of having no mayo????
FIRST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: wow, this artist was born in amsterdam in 1927 but didn’t start experimenting with clay until 1955 in america. the mound represents guilt and shame, i can see that
LAST FIVE MINUTES IN MUSEUM: *glances into new room* i get it
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
A guy at the bar wanted to watch a different college football game than what was on TV and the bartender told him he couldn’t change the channel because he couldn’t find the remote. I said, yeah the remote’s important, it’s a real game changer and that’s when I was asked to leave
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question