Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss

the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out

My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.

“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you

Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.

BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something

Many serial killers are good people, deep down. They just have a hard time not methodically killing a number of people over an extended period

Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.

“Why do birds suddenly appear?”

To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.

my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t

I came.

I saw.

I lost a banana.

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.

The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?