[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Where’s my employee discount too?
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
Friend: What’s it like living in a large family?
Me: It’s like the tv show Survivor except we’re all related.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I went to Costco and now I have massive quantities of all the stuff, except money
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
my kids wanted fruit instead of cinnamon rolls this am so now I’m left wondering what heinous tantrum is coming later to equal it all out
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.