[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
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I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
I enjoy a good horror movie before bed so I can be POSITIVE there is a demon in my closet waiting to possess me.
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
What rhymes with ‘riddance’? I need to get this Bereavement card perfect.
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Sorry I was late for our date. The wheels in my heelies got stuck in a storm grate again.
BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!
WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.
just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.