Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me

“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”

Brain: Perfect!

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

There’s not gonna be a civil war. None of us can afford to take that much time off work

If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.

if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions

Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed

Yankee Candle: Please leave

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?

Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.

One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.

[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]

bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.

Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH

Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.

Some of you never rooted for Godzilla and it shows.

All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child

I ate everything, including the H.

my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there

Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*

Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*

House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*

Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting

A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.

My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.

“Kids are picking on me, Mom”

I’ll teach you how to fight, son.

“Yes!”

[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?

[finishes a 15 minute drum solo] I think that answers your question, your honor.

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place

ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.