Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am rarely judgmental, but I do scowl, and shake my head slowly in disapproval whenever I see a vegan biting its nails.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

*goes to the gym*

*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*

*hurries to the bar*

Teacher: define “impossible”

Me: no can do

Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?

Me: doubt it

Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?

Me: I have no idea

Teacher: amazing

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

Dear BJ’s,

Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.

Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.

#CarrotDay

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

Husband: Why are you so grumpy?

Me: I’m not grumpy.

My face:

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir

So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend

oh shit

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.

[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.

Whenever I ask indie filmmakers how they got funding for their movie they always describe a mysterious millionaire they never met who appeared out of nowhere needing to get rid of money for tax purposes. If you know this millionaire please connect me asap….

Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”

For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.

not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex

Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?

*Whirls Around*

Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!

a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real