Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]

GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-

“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay

Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-

Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8

Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

being productive at work is EASY with a disciplined routine: I spend the first 6 hours doing nothing at all, and the final 2 hours in absolute SICKO mode with the fear of god inside me

Everyone is fighting a battle (with goblins) that you know nothing about (because you failed a perception check)

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.

I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic

Unbooblievable

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

You piss on someone’s couch one time, and they never let you forget

Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.

Me: Wait, did you just point at me?

Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.

oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.

Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.

I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!

[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry

Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”

“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.

God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!

Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha

God *creates birds*

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

i saw someone a few weeks ago say “if brain eating bacteria got into your head it would starve” and i’ve been saying it to people since. just incredible. a really great insult