[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
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I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
DOCTOR: “I’m calling to notify you of your outstanding balance.”
ME: “Thanks! I do yoga.”
DOCTOR:……..
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?