*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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EXECUTIVE: Calling our store “Bed & Bath” isn’t working. How can we take our branding to the next level?
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: I have an idea…
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
I wish I loved anything as much as people love to say they are “thrilled” on Linkedin. Dial it back people, no one in the history of the workforce has ever been thrilled about anything.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
I believe that’s the month between Septempril and Novembruary.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Did you know that you can order foundation that matches your skin tone exactly? My shade is called, ‘between a polar bear and a paper napkin.’
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I can’t decide if you put canned tuna in balloons are they ballunas or tunalloons but either way those kids are going to have a great field day game.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable