@msdanifernandez

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

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@solomongeorgio

I want to say I’m a good person but nothing brings me greater joy than going exactly the speed limit when someone tailgates me

@petemandik

Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.

@CptBombs75

Just got out of the shower and lotioned up Unfortunately I’m not a chick so this won’t get 624 faves

@MarfSalvador

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

@jilleb163

My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.

@thenatewolf

Mechanic: you need a new carburetor

Me: you can call it a buretor, I know lots about cars, I’m like you

@jwoodham

DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.

@hipstermermaid

I need a punctuation mark that is halfway between a period and an exclamation point so I can answer texts without sounding bored or insane.