*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
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most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
me: [making impt life decision] what should I do
wife: just listen to your gut
me: ok
gut: let’s get nachos
me: BYE WE’RE GOING OUT FOR NACHOS
wife: wtf just happened
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
this has to be peak English
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
My background check bounced.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.