*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

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Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”


JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.


Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver


[about to have sex]

her: can we listen to something other than m-

me: monster mash stays on


Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.


Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face


If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.


When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.


trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.


*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”