@msdanifernandez

*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy

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@3sunzzz

Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.

Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.

ME: That’s beautiful.

CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.

ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.

@BigBec43

Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver

@donttouchjames

[about to have sex]

her: can we listen to something other than m-

me: monster mash stays on

@Jake_Vig

Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.

@whatdoiknow

Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgrace

I was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face

@OhNoSheTwitnt

If you need any proof that evil ages you, Sarah Sanders and Stephen Miller are younger than Meghan Markle.

@TheGladStork

When my wife pisses me off, I get on her Pinterest and pin lots of mediocre shit, like cupcakes that just look like cupcakes.

@markhoppus

trying to convince my mom that when someone texts her a joke, if it’s REALLY funny, convention is to reply with three eggplant emojis.

@Gupton68

*wakes up*

*checks the obituaries*

*sees I’m not listed*

“Well that’s a relief”