Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?

“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.

Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket

A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.

Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.

If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call

“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”

Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!

– Incinerational Tweet

*has elbow pain*

*checks WebMD*

*buys a burial plot*

Everyone’s a gangster until they turn a spoon the wrong way under running water.

[Ouija board]

“Hey spirits, talk to us”

W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E

“fml”

Listen, I hate you…

I’m just not… IN hate with you.

Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out

I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.

We don’t need people like that in this world.

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text

My teens cleaned their rooms & according to my sink & countertops, they’ve been hoarding my whole kitchen.

Happy weekend !

“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*

Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.

Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*

3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*

Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!

Sir I-

*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*

I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!

– me to my bed.

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *

Crab : My eyes are up here.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house