*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
god: [looking down at earth] let me see your binoculars for a sec
angel: [perspiring freely] promise you won’t get mad
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
soft launching your call out the next day by telling everyone at work your stomach feels a little weird
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Me: I just murdered Frank Sinatra
Cop: What?? He’s been dead for years
Me: I was at the karaoke bar
Cop: Oh I see lol
Me *puzzled* who the hell did I kill?
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Arguing with strangers on the internet is like yelling at a parking meter. I mean, I still do it sometimes, but nobody wins.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
*pauses Airwolf on the VCR*
*sets wine cooler down on the coffee table*
*turns to her*ME: what do you mean this isn’t working out?
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check