Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol

These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House

I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.

Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”

Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it

My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.

milne: it’s stuffed animals, but they’re so f**king dumb

publisher: what?

milne: the tiger can’t spell

publisher: no

milne: the bear won’t wear pants

publisher: *getting up* this is terrible

milne: there’s a depressed donkey

publisher: *sitting back down* …how depressed?

What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.

After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…

Now what do I do?

I wonder if any student will ever top this email.

My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.

me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here

girls don’t like boys who are punctual..

once this girl dumped me because i came early

The most unbelievable thing on TV is when a killer is in the house and someone hides in empty space under the bed. You mean to tell me you’re not keeping 6 storage bins, three rolls of Christmas wrapping paper, and a box of old papers under there

I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.

Fiction has to make sense.

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

scientist: the production of cereals l is destroying the seas. Soon there will be no seas left

aptain runch: why do I always get blamed?

sientist: ause it’s your fault

extrovert: want to come out with us

me: i’ll let you no.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.

Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby

Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.