*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Smart person: I just read Fahrenheit 451
Me, a jerk: in the rest of the world, it’s called Celsius 232.778
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
October already? What’s next? November????
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.