*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
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friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
I’m so jealous of people who live near a coastal area. Wdym you can just go to the beach on a random Tuesday?
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Bruh PLEASE
Gift cards: the best way to say “Here. You figure it out.”
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(