Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think this is my favorite scene in a movie

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

I’m like American Cheese.

Krafty and oh so single.

Also terrible for you.

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

*on my deathbed*

*groggy, dazed, & delirious*

Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?

Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?

Me: *pulls plug*

*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*

My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.

I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary

*Sends carrier pigeon back*

“I have a suitor.”

My kids are really competing for least favorite today.

I know which nation I like the best.
HIBERNATION.
Thank yewww.

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

Dear waiter,

You messed up my order because you didn’t write it down. I employed your strategy while calculating the tip.

Love,
David

How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?

My wife would bring a hoodie to the Sun “just in case.”

I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face