*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
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[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Ive always hated math because, in my head, all the word problems sounded like this:
The spaghetti envelopes are triangular. Find X.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
how it started vs how it ended
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
How to draw a duck
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?