@poutinesmoothie

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

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@Addison_Peacock

Hello today a woman got huffy with me because she didn’t know sabertooth cats were extinct and expected the museum to have a live one on display

@WheelTod

“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.

@preritpathak

*At a clothing store*

Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*

Me:”No, I’m just good looking”

@dumbbeezie

The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue

@ThaJawn

Me:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

Chief:
*does interpretative dance

Translator:
*does translation dance

@sickipediabot

Mesut Ozil was quoted as saying “I want to help Arsenal win trophies.” So when does the rest of the Real Madrid squad arrive with you?

@kirstenteigg

My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao

@Book_Krazy

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘monosyllabic’

“Can you describe it in a sentence?”

Yes

@ellle_em

Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough