eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
At a party. Saw lady I knew was pregnant. Went over and put my hand on her tummy, wobbled it and said ‘amazing news’. She told me baby was three months old and I’d just wobbled her cesarean scar. Never seen a room empty so quickly.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
how DARE
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
I’m baking and got molasses on my hand. This is it. I’ll be stuck to something for good in 5 mins. This is how I will die.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
are americans worse off?
in 2012, j crew’s bowery chino cost $79.50. today, the giant chino is $98. that’s a ~23% increase in price but 800% more chino.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Them: are you busy right now
Me: (just laid down) yes