eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
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[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
People who argue on their cell phones in public should have to do it on speakerphone so the rest of us can get both sides
consequences, the bane of my existence
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
Katy perry I have listened to your new song backwards and I understand the mission. Sleeper cell activated
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.