Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home

ME: please, i have a family

Bound by notifications, we are the Fellowship of the Ding.

When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.

i was once in a long-distance relationship and she called me one day crying and admitted she’d cheated on me, and i should have broken it off then but i was young and smitten so i said “it’s ok, i forgive you, just promise you won’t do it again” and she said “no”

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

Starting your most incoherent sentence with “put simply” to deflect blame onto the reader

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?

My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.

Children are a blessing.

What’s a retweet called now?

I vote Xerox.

me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?

him: no, cash only

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.

Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge

true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong

Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow

Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.

*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*

“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.

Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.

Tastes like chicken.

If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.