* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
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when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Apparently, Walt Disney was a secret FBI snitch for 26 years so I guess you could say he was a rat who was famous for drawing a mouse.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
How come when someone says “we need to talk” it’s never about ice cream or Star Wars?
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
What’s a Messi?
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*