@Shade510

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

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@WilliamAder

Unable to stop their phones and washing machines from exploding, Samsung announced today they’re changing their name to the ACME Corp.

@TankCesar

The tattoo was temporary, but my love of dolphins shooting fire out of their mouths is forever.

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your biggest weakness?

VANILLA ICE: I’ve been known to steal under pressure

@_mindflakes

We can put a man on the moon, but can we put a lobster in a postbox? Top scientists say: “stop calling here”

@abbycohenwl

[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA

@Tups13

No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@khook32

If this cat doesn’t stop trying to lick my plate, we’re having Chinese for dinner tomorrow.