Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]

her: do u like cats or dogs better

me: [looking at menu] what page are u on

A smile can turn someone’s day around, especially if you’re hiding in their closet.

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

Right now somebody’s therapist is hearing about YOU

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.

But that’s none of my business

I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.

One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.

Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?

them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know

If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…

Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard:

Me:

Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.

The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?

waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?

me: sure

waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich

me: those things are on the normal menu

waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18

me: they’re usually $12

waiter: today they’re special

When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.

no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them

Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me

my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now

me: ok what do you want

my kid: you have to guess

I’m having an out of money experience.