[eats all your cotton candy]
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Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Putting out my traditional Garbage Day decorations.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
philosophical skeletons be like
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
The absolute injustice of being asked to come and take away the boxes of junk that you’ve been storing at your parents’ house for 20 years.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
Wicked was really good except for the 1 year intermission I don’t need that long to go to the bathroom
that wasn’t the question
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
I understand division over pineapple on pizza, or whether it’s pronounced gif or gif, I’ve even taken sides myself, but people fighting over the spelling of woah or whoa take a step back now before this madness destroys us all*
*It’s whoa, by the way
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
To whom it may concern,
My family isn’t missing so I suspect you have the wrong address.
Please stop posting me human fingers.Many thanks
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Me in my 20’s:
I don’t want to leave the house if my Victoria’s Secret bra doesn’t match my thong.Me in my 40’s:
I don’t want to leave the house.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.