*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
walked in on my grandma petting my dogs head whispering “you’re so lucky to be illiterate”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
My neck my back my allergy attack
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
someone dropped a taco in front of my dog last night and he dove after it like he was a secret service agent tackling a potential threat
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
when mom throws a party…
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.