*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
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Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
(Hot girl walks in)
Brain: Alright don’t panic. Tell her she has beautiful hair. No wait tell her she has beautiful legs!
Me: Hi you have beautiful hairy legs.
Brain: My bad.
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Hit a squirrel with my car on the way home from the grocery store. If I knew that was going to happen, I wouldn’t have bought all this meat.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.