*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
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what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
“are they real” i mean yeah they’re right there
I’ve been getting fewer and fewer new followers but I’ll be damned if I’m going to tweet something good just because some people have taste.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
when dads have a rap battle
Bold of you to assume I have the energy to even climb a hill to die on.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.