*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
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What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys
Yes, for the fifth time, I can hear you on this Zoom call! even though I don’t wanna!
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
#ProTip
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?