*eats an entire pant leg of cookies*
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Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
“Are you just going to sit there all day?”
“No! Now and then I’ll be walking to the fridge and back”
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
Woo hoo, July 4th wknd! Popped opened a beer, unbottoned my pants, put my feet up. My boss keeps looking at me weird, though.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I’ve traveled all around America and one of the craziest things to me is just how many places it’s perfectly normal for adult men to pretend to be cowboys
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Bake cookies and the house smells good for 20 minutes.
Bake fish and 4 months later the house still smells like an episode of Deadliest Catch.
I received my electricity bill.
I think they billed me for sunlight, divine light, and the light at the end of the tunnel.
I was introduced to a baby recently by her parents; the mother told me “she doesn’t do anything, or know anything”
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream