*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
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Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Spider-cat: No One Home
Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
IRONMAN 3 SPOILER ALERT: Tony’s all “pffsh whatever I’m Ironman” then he’s all “JARVIS HELP” then he’s sad but then it’s like whaaaaat.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
I pride myself on being able to take a joke. That’s how I ended up with so many jokes.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Nice that I’ll hear “Just a little prick” today because I’m giving blood samples and not from some random person replying to my tweets for once.
American voters doing the deep research today before voting.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children