Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.

A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.

People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.

Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.

When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.

Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now

People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.

blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

*puts cutlery down*

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.

Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.

me: wow the stars are beautiful

gf: omg babe they really are

me: u know who else is beautiful?

gf: *blushes* who? :3

me: Harambe

Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?

Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it

[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow

Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

Cop: I’m going in, cover me!

Me:*speed knits blanket*

The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.

Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys