*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
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You ask for a Swedish massage and then get mad when I roll meatballs on your back
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Mapping the Lickability of the Periodic Table
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°
fred flintstone: I’ve got a problem with my car
podiatrist: let’s take a look