Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”
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I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
I feel like one of these would kill a European
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
The biggest mystery of our time
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
Anime is real
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂