Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma

went fishing caught a bass

*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion

Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there

If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol

What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?

ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional

UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Real quick, what percentage of your blood is supposed to be buttercream?

Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love

I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻‍♂️

Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.

Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam

Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man

*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.

[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost

“Take one pill on an empty stomach”

Me: What’s an empty stomach?

People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.

I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’

Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.

Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.

Mother Goose: what? these are for children

Me:

Mother Goose:

Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.

Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.

* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*

ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know

today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.

Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.