*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
We just need them to keep making increasingly serious movies until we finally understand the character of the Joker, a clown who is mean.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
I have enough money to live comfortably for the rest of my life, if I die next Thursday
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.
Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.