*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters
How it started How it’s going
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
[wife talking to me on phone 45 mins after I go to play poker at friends house]
“stop crying for a second…what do you mean you lost me?”
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.
Cats are still liquid.
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes