Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.

So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.

Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.

*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*

“Wait, if you’re here then that means”

*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*

What happened to the other hiker??!

Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.

I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.

My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am

Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*

Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class

I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.

Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind

I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.

Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line

-Japanese spelling bee

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

*during sex*

Me: *unrolling a wrapper*

Her: you don’t have to use a condom

Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool

Genie: I grant you three wishes.

Bob: I want to be rich.

Genie: Granted.

Rich: I want a lot of money.

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.

hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u

Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”

*fakes headache to get out of work*

*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*

My 3yo, who has to have everything read aloud to him, opened a fortune cookie tonight that said, “The path to success lies in taking a bath without fussing or throwing water out of the tub and getting out nicely with no crying.” what are the ODDS

Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.

Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.

Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up

It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting

*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*

If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.