*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
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37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Hospital bills feel like:
Here’s a bill for your Dr, the second Dr that said hi to you, the nurse that showed you where the TV remote was, each person that brought you food, that one tech that removed trash from your room, and the spoon that you ate your jello with.
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Demonstrated a somersault for my kid and almost died.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*