*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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When my mother calls with a computer problem, I tell her to try shutting it off and turning it back on in 6 months.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[being stoned to death by a small village] so how do you guys all know each other
It’s almost ten o’clock, time for me to go outside and hit this big sheet of metal with a hammer in the parking lot for an hour and then turn my car alarm on
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.