*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
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I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
Excel sheet: People hate me.
Fitted sheet: Join the club.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Pandas 🐼🖤
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
JERRY: So apparently, the body keeps the score.
GEORGE: The body, eh?
KRAMER: Oh yeah.
GEORGE: I don’t know what my score is, but I got a feeling I lost.
JERRY: Two seconds you’ve known about this. You’re already sure you’re losing?
GEORGE: If a score’s being kept, I’m losing.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will