Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.

My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?

Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy

If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.

No, YOU’RE a child!

I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.

Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!

My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!

SPELLING BEE

“Defiant”

Can I have the definition, please?

“No”

Women do not want to hear what you think..

They want to hear what they think..

In a deeper voice……

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked

My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.

1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe

I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.

this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job

*hannibal lecter’s shopping list*

fava beans
a nice chianti
dave

Calm down shouty man. I didn’t “tell” my toddler to throw chicken nuggets at joggers. She did it herself.

Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

Doctor: you’ve got-

Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?

Doctor: nope, diabetes

Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird

Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Goodyear: tires

Badyear: 2020

I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.

“Awww. There there.”

*pats you on the face. Hard

Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.

Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?

This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement

can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this

the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.