*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
barbara was highly relatable
I’m just a MAN standing in front of a DOOR because I thought it was AUTOMATIC
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I need a few hundred steps to meet my daily goal. I only hope my wine doesn’t spill.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
The most accurate map ever devised.
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.