*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
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[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Life hack :
Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
My Niece was just born in japan and got the Japanese Citizenship!
She’s now Japaniece!
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
If your restaurant doesn’t have valet parking, who did I give my keys and wallet and phone to?
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.