Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us

I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive

How wrong was this guy?

Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”

Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex

All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.

“Avoid drinking alcohol while taking this medication.”

So, how hard should I go on this “avoid” thing?

these can’t be my only options

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.

God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?

Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?

Maybe I just want 47% milk…

Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.

Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin

[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]

Me: What?