Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the shooting range]

Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.

Officer: Perfect.

*makes him a stormtrooper*

I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7

They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles

The Ninja Turtles corner him

Mario jumps on them all

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is “cat”

ME: ok

JUDGE: incorrect

[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]

Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT

Me: And this is my house

Friend: What’s upstairs?

Me: Stairs don’t talk

Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.

I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.

I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.

*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS

When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said

I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit

scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old

me: i believe it

waiter: this plate is hot

me: yeah right *touches it*

<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.

“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”

– Capitalism baby

This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but you are valued and you are loved.

Unless you talk on speakerphone in public.

In which case, everyone hates you.

Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?

Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.

Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.

I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.

Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?

Me: *long awkward pause* A while…

ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.

i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable

“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”

~ Tom Hiddleston

Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

i think we should see other cousins