@momtribevibe

Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

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@5hael

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

@Robert_Beau

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

@DaddyJew

If you delay the software update on your iPhone long enough it turns into a BlackBerry

@MaryKoCo

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

@Cptnrwrpnts

Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.

@planntika_

i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people

@TheBigBatman

Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.

@SondraDeeMe

To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.

@tiemoose

[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months