Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
Teach your children to beatbox
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Boy, there sure are a lot of lonely people on twitter, which is weird because we’re all so pleasant
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.