Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.

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My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark


You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.


If you delay the software update on your iPhone long enough it turns into a BlackBerry


*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*


Did you hear that Tampax is replacing the string on tampons with a piece of tinsel? Just for the Christmas period.


i was today years old when i found out that joe biden and jane lynch are two different people


Actually the first 38 years of my childhood have been the hardest.


To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.


[undercover as a mom]

Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now

Other moms: *narrow eyes*

Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months