Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
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Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
*Takes off FitBit*
Ok, weigh me now
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Science memes
