Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a cowboy hat while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you might have been buzz lightyear.

got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff

(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*

6: are snakes just neck?

[visit to zoo]

See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.

[on a date]

Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous

Me: What’s his name?

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

Me: what make of dog is that?
Her: breed
Me [hands on knees]: I am, I’m just out of breath cos I ran over to ask what make of dog that is

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

satan: i am lord of the underworld.

me: Antarctica?

satan: no it’s much hotter.

me: (nods) Australia.

If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:

1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground

Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon

Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.

[barbarians at the gate]

Me: I just need to let this song finish…

Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.

Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all

Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?

“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes

[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*

If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.

Have a work dinner where I’ll be meeting lots of new, important people for the first time. It’s a good thing I’m normal about both People Perceiving Me and Eating

I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…

[christmas day]

God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they

Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever

God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

“I’ll go when the cat gets up”

looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job