Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

90% of my life is convincing others that I, an idiot, am not an idiot.

The other 10% is using my phone’s flashlight to help me find my phone.

Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices

Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.

God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?

Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.

God: *Starts giggling*

Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?

God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*

Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..

God: And you cant speak.

[Incoherent bird noise]

Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire

Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.

boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude

There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.

When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID

Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas

My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.

One time I corrected a student when she spelled “through” “thru” and she responded “that’s how *I* spell it”. I could suddenly somehow see her future self putting “if you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” in her Tinder profile

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

Kinda miss the Jane Austen era where a man is driven mad by a woman’s hand being ungloved & yet oblivious to her heaving bosom falling out.

Sometimes I wish I was a mermaid. Maybe then HR would stop hassling me for wearing a seashell bra on casual Fridays.

If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”

I’m posting this because I’m honestly at a loss. I’ve been in this situationship for as long as I can remember & I need advice. There’s this guy & he’s honestly SO nice & he gets me whatever I want but he only visits once a year & only when I’m sleeping & then he just disappears.

I’m just curious if anyone has been through anything like this? Any advice? I don’t even have his number I just write him letters.

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.

Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass

Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!

My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!

Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!

Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.

I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.

[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it