*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
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The Mastodon crowd doesn’t care for me much. Pretty sure it’s my cologne.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Ironic
Her: What do you do for fun?
Me: I write jokes about water vapor
Her: What’s that like?
M: It’s a gas
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
I think this is my favorite scene in a movie
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
seeing a lot of pretty girls tweet about being “created in a lab” which is weird bc i distinctly remember the day we all emerged from the depths of the lake together
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Just had to spell the word “bourgeoisie” while sharing my screen. Jesus Christ
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”