*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*
My boyfriend and I are into role playing-I pretend to be hotter and skinnier and he pretends not to be a Nigerian teen in an Internet cafe .
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
I’d argue, but it’s like talking to a wall.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
If kidnappers shoved me in a car and put a bag over my head I’d try to lighten the mood by being like It’s getting darker so much earlier these days
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
Nobody looks that great in a mask but if you have gorgeous eyes and jacked-up teeth this could be your moment.
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again