*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
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me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.
DOCTOR: Your baby seems a bit sluggish
SNAIL WIFE: Oh no
HUSBAND: *thinks about their slug neighbour* I KNEW IT
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Me: How long should I roast asparagus in the oven?
Food Blogger: Wondering how long to roast asparagus? C’mere! I’ve got your answer!
Me: Cool! Thank-
Food Blogger: I was born on a farm in Tennessee. My father was an angry man with 3 fingers on each hand. A war injury…
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
BOSS: It’s come to my attention that you’ve disabled attachments for emails. You have to fix that.
BUDDHA: But attachments cause suffering.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!