Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.

11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.

me: first off – get out of my house.

Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect

just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏

You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”

[first date]

ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher

HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-

ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS

These are too funny not to post 😂

People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.

Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.

Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.

They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.

Pretty disappointed in them ever since though

I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.

*watches a house fall on you*

*steals your shoes*

I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.

Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snack

Snacks are ALWAYS the answer

I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.

Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.

7: Dad what does this word mean

Me: Bring me a dictionary

*Smack up side the head

Me: Now go google that shit

Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.

Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.

An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.

Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

one bad part of this whole thing is having had to explain to my 6 year old how if the easter bunny tries to come into our house i’ll have to kill it

That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.

“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”

– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school