Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping

can’t believe I got front row seats

Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.

They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.

[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?

11: Post Melon

6:

If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.

[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*

Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO

[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no

G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.

Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.

cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?

Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.

geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot

Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.