Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life

Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing

Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.

I’m not rich in money, but I’m rich in friends and family.
You know, the bad kind of rich.

A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen

[at TED talk]

OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?

*entire crowd stands*

No a MEDICAL doctor

*entire crowd sits*

My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.

My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc

[AGM of potato mashers]

“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??

They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”

i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup

My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.

I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.

H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.

M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.

Telling my boss I wasn’t drunk at work really backfired. I probably should have waited until he asked.

Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night

Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.

Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”

Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.

Wanna know what it’s like being married?

Chain yourself to a wild animal.

Now kick the animal.

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions