Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
My 3yo said scales measure how fast we are. So anyway, I stepped on our scale and I’m a lot faster than I thought I was.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Is it smoky eye or were you wearing mascara and your eyes got itchy?
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me