Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
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One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
Judge: I’d like to call recess.
Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!
Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.
i wish we could shoplift online
Me: omg I’m so tired today
Also me: let’s stay up til 2am again and see if it fixes it.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
yeah not falling for this one
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
i wonder how many time-travelers accidemtaly went back in time instead of forward but then saw a knight & thought “wow look at this robot!!”
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word