Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.

{at the dentist}

Hygienist: Let’s just have a look

Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.

Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.

MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.

ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.

Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross

Spider: *very hungry* dammit

If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.

“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”

“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.

Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?

Girl: am I the dinner?

Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no

COP: Have you been drinking?

ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so

🖕🏻👽

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.

We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.

Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.

Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?

Me: Why would I want another empty glass?

[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on

Done with work today.

The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it

yeah that 16 month gap in my resume is the time i spent in the woods in new hampshire where eventually god revealed to me that my purpose in life is to be a wealth manager here at wells fargo 🙂

gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.

Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.

I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!

If practice makes perfect then I should really know what to do with my arms by now, when trying to sleep

My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.