eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
There’s something I really need to get off my chest tonight
Throws bra on the floor
I feel much better
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I’m a real gym rat (i go there at night and eat their garbage)
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
Get your shit together, people at McDonald’s drive thru who sit there all confused like the menu hasn’t been the same for the last 50 years
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
*Me coming home with a Bloodied nose*
Wife: OMG, Are you OK?
Me: I’m fine, You should see the other Guy!
Wife: I agree, He’s taller and better looking.
Me: Wait, What??
[on a first date]
Her: Tell me about- [paper wrapper from straw hits her face]
Me: *sets straw down* Sorry
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.