Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

I’d pay good monkey to see that!
You mean, good money?
*squints*
You hard of hearing or something?

I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!

Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it

Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.

I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?

God: you’re an amphibian.

Frog: what does that mean?

God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.

Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?

God: no that’s not what I-

Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.

[getting murdered]

Hang on, let me clear my browsing history

My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.

We are 47 years old.

My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?

The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.

My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend

Me: The doctor?

Her: He never comes over anymore

Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird

Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.

Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.

they could’ve used a picture of a brain or something lmao

[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15

Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journey

Punching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?