eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
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Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Women be like ‘I hope you look exactly like your profile photo’ and then when you’re kneeling outside the restaurant holding a fish they’re all ‘Omg what is wrong with you’. I can’t win you guys.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
💀💀💀💀
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
Work in IT. Spend most days in server room doing “urgent security patches”. I have a gaming pc in there disguised as a server and I just play games all day. Have done this since 2017. I get praise from my boss for being so hot on security issues. On 50k a year + getting bonuses.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Not just pizza, pineapple also belongs in spaghetti & meatballs
HR says I have to stop switching people’s vapes with kazoos.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.