Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doing some research

Date: describe yourself to me in three words

Me:

me: turtles stole my pizza today

therapist: interesting

me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas

therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES

Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.

My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?

I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.

My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉

Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.

FOR SALE: air guitar, never played

Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.

If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.

God: *creates oceans*

Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL

God: Get out

[two coworkers walk into my office]

Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!

Me: Where?

Photosynthesis is the process used by plants to convert a picture into a thousand words

Getting closure is important.

*lies on bed to zip up jeans*

“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”

*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

HUSBAND 911: what your emergency?

ME: my wife hears everything

HUSBAND 911: do I?

ME: what?

HUSBAND 911: what?

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards

When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

You: (about to show me a video on your phone)

Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.

interviewer: your resume says you like being read to

me: and then what happened

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.

What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny

What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.

fun fact: originally, Greece was just a bunch of separate countries that were each named Grooce.