Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
a wizard dating app called bumbledore
Did you know that when you meet an Indian, you can choose not to mention “Slumdog Millionaire”?
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
Me: I have an imaginary gf.
Therapist: U can do better than that.
M: I know, it’s just–
T: I was talking to her.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
The happy life.. 😊
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
when circumstances permit and someone has done something naughty or rude on the road instead of honking at them or yelling i just try to catch their eye and wag my finger in the “no no” gesture because it’s what i personally would be the most enraged by
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
