Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders
Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?
We avoided this particular disaster
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
do you think crabs are self-conscious about walking sideways everywhere or do they think everyone else has the problem
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
i’m so sick of this guy
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
