Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My mom used to get me to ring her phone when she couldn’t find it, and then she’d pick the phone up and be like oh Sarah sorry I missed your call
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
the human wiped away my eye booger. only to pet it back onto me. i have never experienced such betrayal
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
I was dismayed to hear the story of Rumpelstiltskin. I had no idea he was like that outside of work
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
This is war. The Boys tv show stole my joke about a TSA agent named Pat Magroin
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
