Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
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Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.
I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.
People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.
Me: okay I have pizza, wings, nacho dip, mozza…
Him: hell yes, Super Bowl Sunday!
Me *mouth full of food*: uper ol wat?
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth