Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

These people at work keep interrupting my naps.

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

3: I know what’s keeping me awake

Me: What?

3: The air

Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

[blind date]

HER: I’m a big dog person

ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford

Doc Brown: We have to be extra careful not to alter the past or the future!

Also Doc Brown: lmao flying train

[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right

Me: That was fun! Fist me!

Him: What?!

Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*

Him: …..

This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.

I bet you didn’t see that one coming.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

Me: I need to sleep

Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss

China are probably making all the medals anyway.

WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!

~me, drunk, at a wax museum

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

ME: Man, Nosferatu is a good film

HIPSTER: I preferred the original

M: Original? What original?

H: Nosfera One.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:

Welcome to your fifties…

AT 10PM WE SLEEP

AT DAWN WE PEE

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭

Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student

I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko

Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty