Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

Can’t. Busy training my new cat to bite people who show up unannounced

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician

Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?

Therapist: Go to your happy place

Me: Ok

Therapist: Good, where are you?

Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins

Therapist: I’m sorry, what?

Me: The beach, I said the beach

banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients

I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me

I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.

1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?

-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation

[before lamps were invented]

moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast

The council are threatening to fine me just because I put my recycling in the wrong box. Apparently the red one is only for post.

*time travels to the 1950s*

Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet

1950s person: incredible! How does it work?

Me:

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

Me: My heart is full.

Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.

I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.

doctor: are u sexually active

me: no i just sort of lay there

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

[zombie apocalypse]

SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it

ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead

Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube

me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage

[doctor’s office]

Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

ME: my mouth is all itchy

HER: were you in the attic again?

ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?

HER: I’ll speed dial poison control