Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.

– my employer

What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.

My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you

Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-

Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!

DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

[Me, a famous art thief]

Art Garfunkel: Please put me down

My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.

When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom

I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.

I’ll see myself out.

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

hand it over!

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!

[spelling bee]

JUDGE: your word is antonym

ME: synonym

JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example

ME: *lips on mic* i-t

me: your honor, the defense rests.

judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.

Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.

My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction

A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.

CDC: i know u been shut in all week-

ME: im good

CDC: if you have to
go out-

ME: i wont

CDC: ok but if you really need-

ME: *puts headphones back in*

Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor

If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.