eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
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Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
The National Spelling Bee is on ESPN which makes sense because I remember that one year a kid pulled a hamstring trying to spell ‘scherenschnitte’.
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
the icebreaker
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look